I know this is very Livejournal of me, but I’m honestly curious here. I was thinking about specific people I know for whom the answer is (I think) (a little according to what they have said, a little according to what they have seen) (though I suspect they might end up disagreeing with what I say I have seen on this matter) (which is why I am not naming names) obvious. I was thinking that for myself I can give some specific examples of each: at least times when my heart led me, or my brain led me, or I was perhaps motivated by other impulses entirely to pursue a particular party (feign shock, everybody! FEIGN SHOCK).

I’m already making some pretty significant assumptions here: that we want to engage intimate partners emotionally, intellectually and physically; that it’s rare (maybe impossible) for all three of those things to fall into place at once. But then I wouldn’t be asking if I weren’t assuming that there was some room to disagree with both of those assumptions.

Maybe the question is really about what breaks the deal right out, versus what one would tolerate, versus what you even notice first as a potential red flag. (Stupid is a tough one to fix, for instance, but easier to disguise than one might imagine. Or maybe I’ve told you more about my on-first-meeting priorities than I ought to have.) Is stupid worse, or is bad sex worse, or is a lack of emotional availability worse — for you?

I suppose I could make the poll that much more painful and ask: when you’ve been rejected (and told why) (regardless of whether it was after a very short-term or long-term relationship) (though comparing those data could be interesting, because that third-date judgment is so DAMNING, but oh so too can the third-year one), it was for the lack of…what? Smarts or hot sex or emotional connection? But good lord do I ever not want to know. Nor do I want to tell you. Which well may answer the question for myself, mightn’t it? (Shut up.) (Anyway, I’m going somewhere bigger with this.) (Maybe.)

Advertisements